On Athletic Privilege

Some of you may be aware of Ragen Chastain of Dances With Fat. In a nutshell, she’s an obese fat acceptance/HAES blogger who also bills herself as being “athletic.” Her claim to athleticism is dancing at a cabaret. Recently she walked a 5k. Just in case you missed that, she WALKED a 5k, which is yet another crumbling brick in the unsound foundation of “I’m obese, can’t tie my shoes without breaking a sweat, and climbing more than two flights of stairs would utterly destroy my terrible work capacity, but I am still just as athletic as someone who is 185lbs, 15% bodyfat, and deadlifts 575lbs. I, too strength train, but I don’t lift weights because they are damaging for your joints. Instead I do mild, limited-range calisthenics during which I don’t break a sweat.” Her time to walk 3.2 miles was 1:09, for those of you wondering.

As an aside, she claims to be able to develop Type II muscle fibers “very easily.” I clean 305lbs at less than 160lbs bw, and I know for a fact that I don’t develop Type II muscle fibers period, because I’ve been doing this for like fucking seven years and I’m still shoveling shit. Since she doesn’t participate in sprint-effort activities, she couldn’t even confirm this through a roundabout personal observation. I left a comment on her blog asking how she came to this conclusion and if she’s had a muscle biopsy done, which is truly the only valid method of determining whether someone is “Type II” dominant. It’s still awaiting moderation, and she’s not going to answer it, because despite pretending that she is a scientific individual, waving around studies that prove that diets don’t work (in powerlifting and weightlifting we see people move up and down in weight classes on a regular basis but fuck them, right?), she will not face challenges to her positions and instead chooses to pretend that they don’t exist. All versions of the DSM will call this behavior “delusional.”

As another aside, if you read her 5k post, one of the highlights of that day for her was acting like an entitled piece of shit over not getting a 4XL t-shirt for a 5k that she did not truly participate in. I just want to point out that many people walk 3.2 miles to the bus stop every morning, and they don’t get a fucking t-shirt either. I also want to point out that when they walk to that bus stop, it doesn’t take them 1:09 to get there, because then they’d be late for work, and they’d lose their job. I ALSO want to point out that I don’t buy meet t-shirts, ESPECIALLY at national-level meets, because I don’t want people to point it out and say, “Oh hey you went to Raw Nationals? How’d you do?” and then for me to answer that I benched less than 300lbs. Do you want to know why? Because I’d feel like a fucking farce having to answer that. But this is apparently not something that an “athletic privileged” person worries about.

This brings us back to “athletic privilege.” First of all, unless you’re making a living doing your sport, you are guaranteed to not have athletic privilege. It means you’re not talented enough to make it in a professional sport, or you are competing in something that isn’t actually a sport, and therefore not athletic. Walking a 5k in 1:09 guarantees beyond all doubt that you do not enjoy athletic privilege.

If we follow Ragen’s definition of “athletic,” which apparently is simply showing up at an event, demanding a t-shirt in 4XL, and then proceeding to do what foot-traffic commuters do on a daily basis, only better, then let’s talk about what “athletic privilege” to the average person truly means.

Athletic privilege means you get classified as a “junkie.” If you like to a run, you’re a cardio junkie. If you like to lift weights, and are halfway decent at it, the average layperson will probably accuse you of steroids – whey protein and creatine are steroids, after all.

Athletic privilege means that your intelligence is denigrated because you choose to do something physical. This is especially true if you lift weights. You bench press 315lbs? Get a load of this dickhead.

Athletic privilege means that your body image is now up for criticism to the general public. “For someone who runs so much, she’s not that skinny.” “For someone who lifts weights a lot, he’s not that buff.”

Athletic privilege means that your doctor will now tell you the dangers of whatever sport you choose to do. “You need to stop squatting, you will injure your back sooner or later.” “Running is great, but really only in moderation. All you need is 20 minutes of moderate cardio a day.”

Athletic privilege means that any injury you accrue is because of your sport. Back hurts? Stop deadlifting. Feet hurt? Stop running. It doesn’t matter that sedentary individuals also face injury, and if they do get injured, it’s from doing Mickey Mouse bullshit that an actual human would be able to walk away from and never think about again.

Athletic privilege is being criticized for even trying hard to be athletic, “because all that muscle will turn to fat once you stop.”

Of all the privileges, “athletic privilege” in the context of the average person is the fucking dumbest. Also, if you are 300lbs+ and don’t bench that equivalent on a barbell, I have a lot of trouble believing that anyone is going to treat you with it.

Thank you I’m Brunch Khar.

109 thoughts on “On Athletic Privilege

  1. hsilman May 13, 2013 / 12:36 pm

    if you don’t start responding to our comments again, we’re going to boycott your shitty fucking blog.

    I mean, not really, but it’s not like any of us are in position to demand things, so it’s the best I can come up with.

    Also, I’ll keep reading and probably commenting too. But try and pretend I won’t.

    • QuadGod May 13, 2013 / 2:02 pm


  2. mfgilbert79 May 13, 2013 / 12:56 pm

    I hate you for providing a link to that dancing cows site. I hate her for dancing fat.

  3. 225lbsquatter May 13, 2013 / 1:13 pm

    On Friday I was filling my truck up at the gas station. A car pulled in to fill at the pump in front of me. I notice a 5K sticker, and then see this giant fucking ladybeast rock her fat ass out of the car. For fuck’s sake, a 5K sticker. I was fucking livid to see her smug, fat, sweaty beast of a women in my presence. I then when home walked a 5k+ with my dogs and proceeded to squat chicken dick weights. Where is my fucking sticker collection of 5k and squating 405#? No fucking where. I am ashamed of both….

    • QuadGod May 13, 2013 / 2:03 pm

      Loled at screen name

  4. starte May 13, 2013 / 1:17 pm

    this blag is so much better than 70sbig or any other “lifting community” site

    thank you brent cum

  5. Natty J May 13, 2013 / 1:21 pm

    Never have I ever been so angry.
    Dances with fat + that feeder in the last posts comments truely fucking disturbed me.

    > brb indiscriminately hating all fat people.

    • 21s4gunz May 14, 2013 / 9:27 am


      Even as you rip on fat athletes, always remember that for the average American, this is the face of your sport.


      • hsilman May 14, 2013 / 2:27 pm

        Unfortunately, I can’t link imgs easily at work, but let’s be real here.

        To the average American, some fat guy bench pressing is the face of Olympic Lifting.

      • Wo Bist Du May 15, 2013 / 8:29 pm

        So true.

        Lost it, fyi.

        (To both of you.)

  6. peen May 13, 2013 / 1:41 pm


    • Fatman May 13, 2013 / 1:53 pm

      Never thought about that, very good point.

      This is probably also why no one in the US lifts weights in kilograms.

      Except for Olympic lifters, but that sport is messed up anyway because they’ll never make it to the Olympic Games despite the name.

      • Wo Bist Du May 15, 2013 / 8:35 pm

        I swear, though, as an Olympic lifter, my lifts always seem a lot less when converted to pounds… I mean, I can go, “I’m squatting 150 kilos,” or I can say, “I’m squatting 330 pounds.” The kilos just seem… More. Especially since the pounds forces me to realize I’m squatting what the high schoolers are benching. *sigh*

  7. beonick May 13, 2013 / 1:45 pm

    Great, now you got that sea cow’s website like 5 more views by posting it on this blog.

    Good job, 8r3n7

  8. welyn May 13, 2013 / 1:45 pm

    brunt ruth,
    i think you r mad.
    i am mad too tho, these people are living happy and delusional lives… They should be sad and realize that they are worthless like the rest of us!!!

    • B May 13, 2013 / 2:21 pm

      I have to wonder if they are actually happy or if their lives are just a constant process of seeking insult in everyday activities while also being the subject of insults, taunts and the butt of many jokes in private, public and mass media.
      I have seen the way my fat friends bring articles, ads, pictures, etc to the attention of everyone so their support network can tut tut at the offending item while privately thinking ‘god shouldn’t these people just lose weight?’ Or at least I think that, I don’t know if better friends think that although I have to assume they all know being obese is not healthy.

      • B May 13, 2013 / 2:26 pm

        Oh good god I had not read the whole fat blog about athletic privilege before posting – can’t decide how bad to feel about hoping she dies because of her denial, although I can only imagine her death during an ‘athletic endeavour’ would be interpreted as exercise being bad for you rather than being super obese.

      • Fatman May 13, 2013 / 2:43 pm

        “although I can only imagine her death during an ‘athletic endeavour’ would be interpreted as exercise being bad for you rather than being super obese.”

        Spot on. Fat people’s potential for delusion knows no bounds.

      • hsilman May 13, 2013 / 2:55 pm

        I don’t know if it’s just me, but all my friends, fat or thin, on facebook seemt o have caught on to the wild notion that being fat isn’t healthy.

        Now, the fat ones often post about a hard workout on the elliptical at planet fitness, and then show pictures of some big past and cheese monstrosity that they make for dinner, but they aren’t laboring under the delusion that being obese is ok.

        maybe I’m just more picky about who I accept friends requests from though.

      • Fatman May 13, 2013 / 4:06 pm

        “maybe I’m just more picky about who I accept friends requests from though.”

        I’m so picky I don’t even have Facebook.

        Or friends.

      • hsilman May 14, 2013 / 12:01 pm

        “Or friends.”

        lost it, fyi

    • mopeilitywod May 13, 2013 / 2:28 pm

      They’re not happy. They’re aware of the self-deception but having a community helps perpetuate their faith.

      • hsilman May 13, 2013 / 2:57 pm

        Agree 100%.

        Happy fat people don’t talk about stupid shit like thin privilege.

      • justin lazerman May 14, 2013 / 10:29 am

        We’re not happy. We’re aware of the self-deception that lifting, mobbing, getting sufficient sleep and eating nutritious food is going to yield meaningful results in our lives. This community helps perpetuate our lack of faith.

  9. jackmancactus May 13, 2013 / 2:46 pm

    That blog made me wut so hard I got Parkinson’s. Thanks, Brundle.

  10. 21s4gunz May 13, 2013 / 2:52 pm

    Brient of Tarth,

    If athletic privilege exists, does that mean that Crossfitters are the most discriminated-against minority in existence because they are the fittest people on earth?

    Also, if Crossfitters are the fittest people on earth, how many will I be able to fit into wooden box purchased from Rogue for $135 plus S&H?

    (Open Response – 30 pts)

    • beonick May 13, 2013 / 2:54 pm

      lol brient of tarth…

      • RadBromance May 13, 2013 / 3:34 pm

        +1 ragequits for not coming up with this myself

  11. newgetelqueso May 13, 2013 / 2:59 pm

    From the 5k post: “We’ll see if there is a 10k or a marathon in my future.”

    Watch her try a marathon and complete it in 16 hours and then be offended that they shut down the event after 8 hours.

    And what the fuck did she do to slip a disc and tear a muscle? Get off the fucking couch to go to the fridge?

    • peen May 13, 2013 / 3:05 pm


      • Andrew May 13, 2013 / 4:34 pm

        That’s why she had to walk the 5k. If she had ran it instead, her mutant Type 2 fiber development would have kicked in, hulking her out. Her 12 minute finish time would have garnered her true athletic privilege, making her the much-hated oppressor she’s always droning on about.

  12. nobodystopsdblob May 13, 2013 / 3:02 pm

    When does this site start the MOP PRO paying members only section? When is the next batch of T-Shirt designs coming out?

    Also, anyone else notice you have to pay to send a private message to somebody you’re not friends with in Facebook? It will literally cost me money to flirt with Brent unless he accepts a friend request first.

    • 21s4gunz May 13, 2013 / 3:16 pm

      Looking forward to the new search tools that allow us to look for content according to type:

      > anti-HAES vitriol
      > Failure
      > BBW / Genital Mutilation Erotica
      > Self-defeating talk
      > Mediocrity
      > Why the life of a health professional is terrible
      > DYEL

    • beonick May 13, 2013 / 5:23 pm

      How about a private forum where we can share videos of each other mobing in the nude?

      (no homo)

  13. I'm not your JO bro. May 13, 2013 / 3:04 pm

    Notice how the only dance moves she can pull off involve using the momentum of her stomach to spin her around? I wish this broad had a fucking nut allergy.


  14. Penn May 13, 2013 / 4:23 pm

    Fat Privilege is people assuming you’re somewhat strong because your arms are large.

    Fat Privilege is never having to give your seat away on a bus or train because everyone understands you need that seat more than they do.

    Fat Privilege is being virtually free of all public ridicule about your body because everyone understands ridiculing you for something you clearly don’t have the strength of character to fix is tantamount to ridiculing a paraplegic (there’s no realistic expectation for you to get any better).

    Fat Privilege is a Handicap parking pass.

    Fat Privilege is unfettered access to our hard earned dollars, stolen and laundered through medical expenses.

    Fat Privilege is getting heaps of praise for any effort at losing weight, no matter how small.

    Fat Privilege is not having someone throw a brick through your window with a hurtful not tied to it after you try to ride on the coattails of legitimate civil rights efforts.

    Fat Privilege is having a cosmos of products, from foodstuffs to cars to to cloths to furniture to entertainment to drugs, custom made with you in mind.

    Fat Privilege is somehow dodging the scrutiny that smokers, alcoholics, and drug addicts receive.

    Fat Privilege is being able to assert anything about health or fitness in a conversation without any fear of being challenged because, if you say something stupid, no one will make the dick move of tearing down a target as easy as yourself.

    Fat Privilege is using your fat children as proof that your fatness is genetic, when in reality you have just failed as a parent because you have no concept of nutrition.

    • Andrew May 13, 2013 / 4:31 pm

      “Fat Privilege is getting heaps of praise for any effort at losing weight, no matter how small.”

      For years, I’ve maintained that people that have a hard time losing 25-30 lbs are going about things the wrong way. What they should do instead is gain 200-300lbs on top of what they already weigh.

      Then, they can either hire a trainer and dietician, or go on a show like The Biggest Loser. After that, they can lose all the weight they gained, and be right back at the same weight they started. Instead of being looked at like a dumpy, lazy piece of shit who should just try a little bit harder in life, they’re now a weight loss rockstar. People will even comment on how they’re “so skinny now, it’s incredible.”

      • Terrible May 13, 2013 / 4:44 pm

        My woman who can never, ever remember the name of movies or TV shows once asked “what’s that weight loss show, The Fattest Loser?”

        Remarkably apropos, so that’s what I call it now

  15. silentmachinery May 13, 2013 / 4:32 pm

    You’re tilting at windmills, Bron Kiyote

    • Mesomorph May 14, 2013 / 8:31 am

      Why everyone is letting these delusional cows affect them so deeply? Hate reading for amusement is understandable, but some of you seem to genuinely give a fuck. I give not one single fuck about fat people or their health issues, mental or otherwise. There is so much to hate read within the lifting community…

      ~Dan John and his brand of self-righteous narcissism.
      ~Jim Wendler and his massive overcompensation.
      ~LRB and his 8th grade philosophizing and poorly disguised misery.
      ~The hipsters and try-hards at 70s Big.
      ~The fat guys and drugs and surgeries at EliteFTS.

      Even mocking these idiots and charlatans pales in comparison to this site’s original purpose of portraying lifting as a shameful activity engaged in by misfits, losers, and assholes. Wake me when this boring HAES sidebar passes.


      • RadBromance May 14, 2013 / 3:46 pm

        I dunno, dudebro. I’m just here for the stories about people shitting themselves during a set.

      • nobodystopsdblob May 14, 2013 / 8:29 pm

        Mocking people because mocking is a nice defensive mechanisms for misfits is one thing but this does seem to have taken a turn towards actually caring. Which is sort of a letdown. More stories of people walking in on you in the bathroom “accidentally” please.

    • mediocrepl May 16, 2013 / 8:47 am

      Bron Kiyote

      10 pts.

    • jonxedge May 13, 2013 / 5:06 pm

      I think what I hate most about this woman, is that her knees probably feel fine, even though she carries 4XL worth of body on what is, at most, a L frame…and here I am, taking care of myself, always stretching, mobing, being careful, and my knees hurt like fuck all the time.

      • silentmachinery May 13, 2013 / 6:39 pm

        I couldn’t understand most of her writing because, in addition to being fact as-, she’s also inarticulate as fuck, but what I got out of the stupid post was that the race actually DID have 4XL shirts for people, but they only went to the first people that asked for them? They actually ran out of pre-stocked 4XL t shirts?

        What kind of fucking 5K is this?

      • silentmachinery May 13, 2013 / 6:42 pm

        “I think what I hate most about this woman, is that her knees probably feel fine….”

        Yeah, but count yourself lucky; she’s the one that’s obviously got some deep, deep psychic scars, as evidenced by her pathologically delusional blog and need to be validated by an equally-damaged horde of commenters.

        So Brent, how ARE you doing today?

  16. mediocrepl May 13, 2013 / 5:48 pm

    Some ~300lb lady asked if I’d tried Jalapeno Cheddar Cheetos at work (as in would I recommend them to her) I said “Nope” and turned away because I get mad when fat people continue to eat fat food even after they’ve gotten first hand experience of what happens, and if I had to say anything else it would have been “, and you shouldn’t either.”

    • Penn May 13, 2013 / 6:20 pm

      They’re really good. Way better than flaming hot cheetos.

      • mediocrepl May 14, 2013 / 10:26 am

        Not a big fan of cheetos in general.

        All I’m saying is that there should be a separate section of the grocery store with all the junk food that fat people aren’t allowed to shop in.

    • hsilman May 14, 2013 / 7:56 am

      I’ve found any super-processed food with “jalapeno” in the name, tneds to be a check mark in the win column. CFR Jalapeno Doritos.

  17. Wo Bist Du May 13, 2013 / 8:07 pm

    I never used to be disgusted by fat people. I mean, I live in the corn belt, so they’re just kind of matter-of-course… But then I took a vacation in Switzerland. The entire week I was there, I only saw two obese people, both of them American tourists. Ever since I’ve been back in America, I can’t help but feel revulsion whenever I see someone that fat. I wanna go back to Europe…

    (I was also more muscular than anyone else I saw while I was over there, so there’s that. DIEL?)

  18. Mahniac May 13, 2013 / 9:05 pm

    Reading all of the comments on fat privilege and haes at TGIFridays:

    “Cheeseburger? And Green Bean Fries?”

  19. Bowdozer May 13, 2013 / 9:46 pm

    Mik T Nerb
    I live in Georgia and I am pretty sure it is the fattest fucking place on earf. I see people at the store and all they have is soda and chips and shit in their carts. Some stores just gave up and don’t carry any real produce or lean meat. So that’s another thing they do, drive markets away from healthy options. Ps I watched this video of you and Justin at an aquarium and think there should be more videos of overly alpha dudes dragging you around and asking you questions about shit.

    • Fatman May 13, 2013 / 9:59 pm

      Ah, the great American South… where grocery stores resemble the little shops in gas stations. Acres of shelves of processed food with a few packages of pale beef, insipid with shame, crammed into the corner of the freezer. Maybe a bag of peas. Not because the fatties eat it, but because they use it as cheap ice packs for sore joints.

      Georgia is far from the worst. Try the Arkansas-Mississippi-‘Bama Bermuda triangle.

      Not to mention the swarms of neckless middle aged angry white mouth-breathing ladies and gents who rob Medicare through blood pressure meds, statins, oxygen tanks and sundry other fat-people medicaments and machinery, then rail against socialism and the affordable healthcare act. Rattlesnake shirt, anyone?

  20. Bowdozer May 13, 2013 / 9:55 pm

    Oh god just went to that fat lady’s delusion blog. If she wasn’t so full of shit maybe she wouldn’t look like she does. Professional plus size athlete??? I can’t, I just fucking can’t.

  21. Oldman May 13, 2013 / 10:14 pm

    Lets share guac recipes:

    3-4 ripe avocados
    Diced tomato
    1 lime for lime juice
    Optional sour cream and salt and pepper

    • Terrible May 13, 2013 / 10:28 pm

      Where’s the heat you surly rascal

      Needs tobasco, maybe jalepeno

      • Oldman May 14, 2013 / 4:29 am

        I would prefer jalapeño but tbh I use this as a topping for tacos (flaccid and HARD) which are usually spicy by themselves. I try to limit intake of just tortilla chips and guac although it is delicious !!

    • silentmachinery May 14, 2013 / 9:04 am

      Mine is pretty similar, only I’ll add a minced red onion, cumin and chili pepper. I think the trick though is getting it the right consistency, not too chunky and not too whipped. I like the Magic Bullet for this.

      • beonick May 14, 2013 / 10:13 am

        +1 for the onion. gotta have onion.

    • Ryan May 14, 2013 / 11:35 am

      Missing onion, cilantro, and jalapenos.

    • Quisp May 14, 2013 / 9:17 pm

      Poor man’s guac:

      Some avacados mashed up
      Some tostitos salsa (pick you level of hotness)

      And you’re done!

      • silentmachinery May 15, 2013 / 9:55 pm

        Jesus, dude. Respect yourself.

      • RadBromance May 16, 2013 / 12:47 am

        “Jesus, dude. Respect yourself.”

        You must be new here.

    • dawackest1 May 15, 2013 / 10:45 pm

      add garlic
      prob some onion too

  22. celicaxx May 14, 2013 / 12:34 am

    Today I was stretching (or in l337 lifter/crossfit terms, mobbing) and I listened to this:

    A great song to relax while stretching and feel bad at the same time.

    • Wo Bist Du May 14, 2013 / 6:48 am

      I tried! She said “No.”

      Can’t do it.

    • mediocrepl May 14, 2013 / 10:32 am

      There’s an album Forever Cool that’s a bunch of singers and stuff adding their parts to Dean Martin songs, there’s a version of this song with Big Bad Voodoo Daddy that’s really nice, as well as I Can’t Believe That You’re in Love With Me with Joss Stone, and King of The Road with Kevin Spacey. I recommend it.

  23. hsilman May 14, 2013 / 8:04 am

    Since I can’t be bothered to read through that goddamn blog, I have a question. Does this fathlete ever detail what she eats on a daily basis?

    She seems relatively active(though I’m sure 30 minutes of “dance practice” isn’t that much effort, tbh) and I have a hard time believing she could maintain that weight on a healthy diet of single-ingredient food, even if you eat to satiety at all times.

    Though I have to assume with all her studying of scientific literature, the concept of a “healthy diet” is below her or something.

    • Fatman May 14, 2013 / 10:17 am

      Of course she’s not going to disclose her diet.

      Every fat person I have ever known GROSSLY underestimated the number of calories they consume whenever the topic came up (usually in the context of “it’s not my fault I’m fat, I hardly eat anything, ever”). Because, you know, your “metabolism’ creates calories out of nothing, violating the principle of conservation of matter.

      As to the fathlete, she doesn’t even have to overeat once she’s that fat – all she has to do is maintain calories in vs. calories out. The lard doesn’t go anywhere unless one actively under-eats. A non-moving lardass who eats 4,000 cals a day in steak and salad will remain a lardass, or become a slightly smaller lardass.

      So the sad part is, she could totally legitimately eat an OK diet (now), remain obese and have more fuel for her claims that “healthy diets do not help you lose weight”.

      • hsilman May 14, 2013 / 10:20 am

        my point is, it’s not actually that easy to eat 4000 calories of steak and salad, and requires a bit of motivation and effort. This is why high protein diets tend to shower better weight loss results.

        if you’re advocating “eating to satiety” like I see her and other HAES people doing, it’s hard to maintain obesity on a diet of steak and lettuce.

      • hsilman May 14, 2013 / 10:36 am


        lol. It’s like we have some sort of psychic connection.

        nowhere on that “diet” list is eating high quality, single ingredient foods as part of a diet that is high in protein. Because that might cause her to get to a better bodyweight and not have to go to the doctor all the time.

      • Fatman May 14, 2013 / 12:32 pm

        “my point is, it’s not actually that easy to eat 4000 calories of steak and salad”

        Unless the steak is TJ’s ribeye :)

        Having one tomorrow.

      • hsilman May 14, 2013 / 1:27 pm


        Probably eating one tonight. I only have one left in the fridge and I’m not sure if I can fit it in though. It’ll only be 9 oz or so if I do, but sacrifices must be made in pursuit of teh abz.

  24. celicaxx May 14, 2013 / 9:51 am


    I bought these Chinese medicine pills at my Asian market (for $4.75.) They’re supposed to make me happier. Will report back on results. No, I didn’t go to an acupuncturist.

    Does it mean you’re in a really bad spot in life if you go to your Asian supermarket to buy supplements/medicine even if you’re white? I sucked at reading the pinyin really badly and the lady couldn’t understand me, and then she just spent like 2 minutes moving her hands around the shelf until she got to the medicine I wanted.

    Also, my Indian market sells an extreme protein/weight gainer shake. 14g casein per 2 table spoons.

    Also, pure glucose.

    The glucose is like $3-4 for a big jar, and the complan weight gainer/protein shake is like $6 for a pound?

    Maybe I need a job so I can shop at GNC, or at least Walmart.

    brb eating a bunch of weird Chinese herbs and pretending to be Lu Xiaojun.

  25. Michael Dick May 14, 2013 / 12:02 pm

    “Her time to walk 3.2 miles was 1:09, for those of you wondering”

    Good Lord. I could walk the first mile, take a nap, then hit McDonald’s for a couple of quarter -pounders, then finish the last 2.2 miles while eating the quarter-pounders and still finish faster than this mastodon.

    • j1akey May 14, 2013 / 5:09 pm


      What the fuck?

      “I woke up with a pain in my back.”…”I managed to slip some discs and a tendon and tear some muscles.”

      “I’ve worked very hard to develop my athletic skills”

      OK, so she’s 300+ lbs at least by looking at her, she’s athletic and managed to slip a few discs and tear tendons and muscles while sleeping.

      Love the part about the Type II diabe…muscle fibers.

  26. Browen May 14, 2013 / 6:34 pm

    *something sarcastic*
    This post, and all comments, nice work.
    *something funny*

  27. Andrew May 14, 2013 / 8:11 pm

    Today was bench press day for me. At the end of my warm-up sets, I began to experience the after effects of yesterday’s antics at Buffalo Wild Wings. The gym I go to plays awful music so loud that one can easily get away with farting. However, in cases like this it’s best to move to a different area of the gym and release a test fart.

    I did that, and what came out of my ass was a dense, noxious cloud that quickly contaminated the entire corner where the strongman equipment is kept.

    I skittered back to my bench and loaded up the bar for my top work set. I asked a fellow gym patron for a spot, got setup under the bar, and gave the nod for the lift-off. As soon as I had the full weight of the bar in my hands, I realized that the pressure this was putting on my o-ring was enough that even one little slip of relaxation would have me shit my pants, very audibly and probably very explosively.

    I clenched my ass cheeks shut tighter than I’ve ever clenched them before, even tighter than the first time I went skydiving. This aided in developing a full body tension so extraordinary that world champion powerlifters would be envious of me. Thus, a weight I was able to barely press 5 times in my last 3 bench sessions I crushed for 8 easy reps.

    I couldn’t even enjoy my PR because I was too busy concentrating on my race to the bathroom.

    If the toilet bowl hadn’t looked like someone tried to drown a turd that put up a valiant fight when I was done shitting, it probably would have been a good day at the gym.

    • silentmachinery May 14, 2013 / 8:27 pm

      And here I thought getting my g/f to leave less than 2 hours after mediocre sex was going to be the best thing that happened to me all night…

    • Terrible May 14, 2013 / 11:39 pm

      Legitimately loving all the pants-shitting stories this blog has, for whatever reason, prompted

      • beonick May 15, 2013 / 10:09 am

        brb writing scat erotica…

  28. bchhun May 14, 2013 / 8:17 pm

    Does buying a weightlifting set (bar + bumpers) to do the lifts factor into athletic privilege? I want to drop a fair amount of money on a set so I don’t have to deal with the bent/seized bars at my gym, however, I feel immensely guilty about it, the joke athlete that I am. Have you ever faced this dilemma BK?

    • jonxedge May 14, 2013 / 8:27 pm

      I just purchased a set of plates to take INTO my gym each time I do the Oly lifts…the only privilege I felt was that there is still a positive balance left on my credit card. (bar soon to come…)

  29. nobodystopsdblob May 14, 2013 / 8:34 pm

    Anyone deal with terrible fatigue and pain in the wrists when starting up front squatting (dumb question)? If so, how did you deal with it (real question)? plsrspnd

    • hsilman May 14, 2013 / 8:51 pm

      Fix your fucking rack is how you deal with it.

      Tack and stretch distal Tris using the barbell. Put your upper arm/trip on top and use your other hand to push down, then slowly unbend your arm. This should hurt. Work on being able to fully extend your arm while applying pressure.

      Also, lax ball your thoracic spine to open up your shoulders. Focus on shoving elbows up and in while squatting.

    • Quisp May 14, 2013 / 9:27 pm

      Stretch your wrist shit. I developed the flexibility within a week or two; as with anything it takes a little time and discomfort. I guess what hizleman said applies to if you’re not keeping your elbows up and your rack is shit.

    • RadBromance May 15, 2013 / 2:23 am

      My “wrist problems” in front rack were actually due to me trying to keep my shoulder blades retracted. At some point I wound up pushing them forward, and all of a sudden the bar wasn’t strangling me any more.

      • B May 15, 2013 / 11:23 am

        I’d probably try holding the bar with only two or three fingers too fwiw.

  30. J.T. May 14, 2013 / 10:33 pm

    Awesome post great job. I love to see this kind of bullshit called out. I was on the fence about the HAES thing when I was an uberfatty. A couple hundred pounds and about 20 pants sizes later I’m really glad I didn’t buy into it.

    Could have been worse. I could have gotten into crossfit.

  31. lol May 15, 2013 / 2:27 am

    Athletic privilege can also be academic privilege.

    Academic privilege means you get classified as “smart.” If you do IB, you’re IB smart. If you do AP, and get decent scores from it, the average layperson will probably accuse you of trying-hard – taking notes and reviewing is trying hard, after all.

    Academic privilege means that your intelligence is enhanced because you choose to do something cognitive. This is especially true if you actually study. You got 96? Get a load of this dickhead.

    Academic privilege means that your intelligence is now up for criticism to the general public. “For somebody who takes IB, you’re marks are pretty low.” “For somebody who studies a lot, he’s not that smart.”

    Academic privilege means that your guidance counselor will now tell you the opportunities of whatever academic challenge program you choose to do. “You should take full IB, you will be more prepared for university.” “AP is great, but really only if you pass with a score that is 4 or 5. All you need is to study 4 hours everyday.”

    Academic privilege means that any sleep you lose is because of your homework. Four hours? Stop complaining. Eye bags? Only?… study harder. It doesn’t matter individuals who do not pursue academic challenge programs also face sleep deficit, and if they do get tired with bags under their eyes, it’s from doing Mickey Mouse bullshit that an actual human would be able to walk away from and never think about again.

    Academic privilege is being criticized for even trying hard to be academic, “because all that work will turn to waste once you stop.”

    • Quisp May 15, 2013 / 6:41 am

      Meh AP english ended up helping out my scientific writing quite a bit. I once naively thought that it wouldn’t be worth dick in the field of astrophysics, but it turns out that even this field is a sham and it’s all about being able to write successful grants cya.

      And all that “The red door represents his anger” bullshit is actually a really great exercise to develop your writing skills. It doesn’t matter what the fuck you say, just pull something out of your ass and make a compelling argument. If you can develop and successfully explain a psychotic argument like “Why this person with a red door has mommy issues” to an indifferent english teacher, then you’ll sure as shit be able to convey a sane argument to somebody who gives a flyingfuck.

      • hsilman May 15, 2013 / 8:01 am

        I feel like Liberal Arts are making a big comeback.

        During the 90s, college was still pretty cheap, jobs were plentiful, and so LA flourished because people could waste time studying ancient Egypt.

        For the past 10-12 years, the economy is in the shitter, and the “if you aren’t going to college for engineering, you’re doing it wrong” attitude has come back into prominence. The only purpose of college is to get a job, and if what you are doing won’t directly contribute to you making $$ in the future, you’re an idiot.

        Now, I think it’s a sign that the economy is starting to recover because people are starting to value LA shit again. The current argument seems to be “it’s not enough to be able to add 2 + 2, we need LA so that you can actually explain why anyone would want to add 2 + 2 in the first place, or why you should get paid for adding 2 + 2″. Still utilitarian, but putting some value on “critical thinking” or whatever it was my high level philosophy courses were supposed to teach.

        So, we’ll need people to teach you how to do that, hence BA in English is back in fashion, sort of.

        Is it weird that we’re now getting old enough to start seeing the endless cycles that society goes through?

      • silentmachinery May 15, 2013 / 8:23 am

        ^ Maybe it’s different in Manhattan, but I’ve yet to see this attitude reflected in the labor market. Moreover, while the sentiment might have changed, it doesn’t look like people did:

        Degree Programs by Year

        All of which is to say that studying liberal arts, I’m sure, is a very good idea and worthwhile thing. But it’s important NOT to conflate liberal arts education with a college education, which fucking blows

      • hsilman May 15, 2013 / 8:32 am

        ok :/

        I mean, the way people talk and what actually happens are way different. I wasn’t talking about the degrees people actually get, just the way they are talked about.

        I haven’t heard anyone talk positively about a business degree in over a decade, but obviously people keep getting them.

      • Fatman May 15, 2013 / 11:45 am

        Good point on the cycles.

        15-20 years ago “business degrees” were the shizz, a ticket to a life of 80-hour workweeks, big bucks, fame and a trophy wife in a C-class Mercedes. This in turn led to a proliferation of schools and “schools” offering business degrees, MBAs and the like. Today the job market is chock full of MBA graduates. I think the barrista at my corner Starbucks has two. People still chase MBAs under the illusion that doing so will help them earn significantly more money, but they are slowly beginning to sober up.

        Same thing happened to LA degrees, then they got a bad rap as worthless and are now slowly beginning to come back into vogue. Perhaps the employment opportunities for LA graduates are still not the best, but as the overall job situation continues to improve this too will change.

    • starte May 15, 2013 / 8:59 am

      christ are you literally in high school?

      • lol May 15, 2013 / 9:55 pm

        yes, do i have potential?

  32. Mahniac May 15, 2013 / 11:15 am

    Have you streamed Random Access Memories yet? There’s some good mope on there.
    “I’ve been, for sometime, looking for someone
    Fighting to know them
    Please tell me who I am.”

    • poopedmypants May 15, 2013 / 2:11 pm

      This is a pooping your pants story:

      My job involves the physical protection of other grown men. On a trip about a year ago I pooped my pants doing it and this is the story.

      Once a year or so I take a week off from heavy lifting. This trip was 7 days into my recovery week of 10000 kettle bell swings. I had done my 7000th swing the morning of the incident. I was told that the 10000KB swings might affect my digestion. Up to this point I had no indications that my guts were in any way “off”. Other than torn up hands I was really doing pretty well.

      My guy was doing an event an event in a music hall in Texas. He’s pretty popular out there in pop culture world. I was there ahead of his arrival. I was hanging out in the room where my guy would later have his dinner. I was not allowed to leave this room unless I got relieved. My guy had a very cute little chick who was preparing the room for the dinner later on.

      I felt a little pressure that seemed like a fart. The area was clear of workers and the cute chick. I locked down and squeezed it out and fully shit my pants. My ONLY saving grace was boxer briefs. Now remember I cannot leave at this point. I’m stuck. I emailed my coworkers for assistance. I was in a dead zone. The email would not go out. I tried the radio….nothing. Five minutes into the problem the cute chick comes back. I was right outside the door to the dinner table. I had dropped my bomb in the room. She walked through my cloud, turned to me and said, “my god! what on earth is that smell?” “I don’t know”, I croaked. She departed and returned with spray and gave the room a good dousing.

      Finally, ten minutes after the problem started my coworker just happened to be making rounds. I clapped him on the shoulder and thanked him for taking my spot before he could even ask if I needed a break.

      I waddled down to the stairs and made it to the only men’s room in the joint. For those of you with a weak stomach this might be where you cut out. There were probably a hundred or so men in the building working on set up. I made it to the farthest stall in the men’s room and proceeded to finish shitting first of all and clean up second. I was in a business suit. As I stated earlier thank God for boxer briefs. But now I had to dispose of the evidence. Thinking about it after the fact, next time I will wad up my shorts and stick them behind the toilet. I was not thinking that clearly. There were 7 men in the bathroom when I finished, and one damn trash can in the room. I wrapped the filth up into the center of my shorts and rolled them into a tight wad, covered them in toilet paper and put them in my front coat pocket, determined to find a trash can that was not surrounded by people. The only trash can I could find that was not surrounded happened to be in the stairwell my guy would later use to enter the building. At the bottom of that can I deposited my prize. I spent the remainder of my day hiding in the darkest corner in the place, commando style. Thank God for boxer briefs.

      • Fatman May 15, 2013 / 3:16 pm

        “Once a year or so I take a week off from heavy lifting. This trip was 7 days into my recovery week of 10000 kettle bell swings. I had done my 7000th swing the morning of the incident. I was told that the 10000KB swings might affect my digestion. Up to this point I had no indications that my guts were in any way “off”. Other than torn up hands I was really doing pretty well.”

        Welcome Bud Jeffries, great to have you here. Nice story too.

  33. Quisp May 15, 2013 / 2:53 pm

    This tread is danger close to 100 comments

    • newgetelqueso May 15, 2013 / 3:27 pm

      Yup. This is the only site I enjoy going to on the internet now that 70’s Big sucks ass.

  34. Wo Bist Du May 15, 2013 / 8:40 pm

    Hundredth comment.

    Thank yew, thank yew.

    • nobodystopsdblob May 15, 2013 / 9:03 pm

      We started at the bottom now we here!

  35. halo-wk May 15, 2013 / 9:42 pm

    this. i just want to say this. especially my new favorite phrase: “shoveling shit”.

    your post also reminds me of the saying, “just because i call myself and identify as a doctor does not make me one”.

    Another of their favorite excuses is the classic “it feels like running to some people!” while completely ignoring the definition of running involving both feet off the ground

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