Jerkin’ Buddies.

It’s here:

Have you ever wanted to flirt with a guy, but not do anything physical with him? Would you really just be happy making some awkwardly intense and intimate eye contact with him? From across the room? While you masturbate furiously as you watch hetero porn? Because this is absolutely not gay in any way? Even though you specifically asked for a guy with brown hair and green eyes and fiercely striated delts in the J/O buddy ad you posted on Craigslist?

Look guys. We all know why we spend so much time in the gym. And it’s not to look jacked and shredded so girls will check us out. C’mon. We’re all buddies here. Jerkin’ buddies.

Knock yourself out.

* * *

One time, when I was around 18 or 19, I was visiting some of my extended family. I was more awkward and more mousey than I am now. I was wearing an Old Navy button-up that was two sizes too big for me and a some khakis. I didn’t have a belt that fit at the time, so I used a necktie that I didn’t use and just tied it through the belt loops of the pants to keep them up. I couldn’t be more serious.

My uncles are all normal. They watched football for Thanksgiving and legitimately enjoyed it. I didn’t understand it or like it, but watched any way since there was nothing else to do.

As I’m sitting there, bored out of my mind, wishing I had more batteries for my gameboy so I could play more Pokemon, my aunt asks me if I have a girlfriend.

“No,” I say.

“Why not?”

“I dunno.”

“Do you like anyone?”

“Not right now.”

She scoffed and said, “You don’t like any girls right now? Are you gay?” <– she said this in Korean. So the question she literally asked me was, "Gay-yah?

Today’s MopeWOD: get asked if you are gay, when you are (at least decidedly) straight. Includes females, shouldn’t be hard if you lift.

* * *

beonick writes:

Havent lifted in a globo gym in years. That was back before I knew anything about lifting. Went there with a friend for a free trial thing. Met with one of their reps. Eventually just got a membership to my Uni gym instead. But the rep at the globo gym would call me about twice a month trying to get me to sign up for a full year. Needless to say, he was the only person calling my phone besides my parents.

I remember when I was in college and had just signed up for a new gmail. I developed an addiction to checking my email early on, even though I didn’t have any real correspondence. One day my roommate was looking over my shoulder while I was on my computer and he asked, “Why don’t you turn the email notifications from facebook off?”

I told him, “Because it gives me a reason to check my email,” not realizing how pathetic that sounded before I said it.

nobodystopsdblob writes:

When I was finishing high school I used to workout at my house with a decent home gym set up but I thought college was going to be so bad ass. Awesome gym, 100% control of my diet because I don’t have to eat meals with the family (which actually meant I would eat worse, who knew?), etc. Anyways, that is what some would call context. The bank where I deposited my after school job checks had a box for a drawing to win a free month membership at Gold’s. Hot damn! Gold’s is where Arnold trained. I literally stuffed 100 forms in there with my information filled in, because fuck yeah I am a winner. Not a winner because I filled out one form and photocopied it, nope, a winner because i pushed through hand cramping knowing I was a fucking genius. Anyways, of course they called because if you sign up for a 1 year membership you get the first month free. But of course they don’t tell you that over the phone, champ. Congratulations,come on in to collect your prize, winner. I went to the orientation and the whole time felt like this polo’ed douche was laughing at me but I felt too much pride (it wasn’t pride) to leave before he finished his spiel. But I got him, I told him I had to check with my Mom before I could sign any forms.

This story was so fucking good. I read it twice, it was so good. “A winner because I pushed through hand cramping” fuck.

Broseph writes:

People at my university gym look at me like I’m joking when my response to “how many sets you got left” exceeds 4 or 5.
This one bro actually asked if I was serious when I said 8.


I was resting before my last set of squats and this really cool guy already wearing his weight belt despite not having done any warm up asks me if I was using the squat rack. I told him I’d be done with my last set in three minutes and he said OK. I finished my final set and began to rack my weights, he stopped me before I stripped it down to 225lbs and said it was fine so I said fuck it and left so he could take his first warm up at 275lbs. Didn’t care, hope he’s still walking.

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19 thoughts on “Jerkin’ Buddies.

  1. I'm not your JO bro. October 25, 2012 / 4:10 am

    Jerkin’ buddies tee in light blue only? What the fuck is this shitshow?

  2. newgetelqueso October 25, 2012 / 5:00 am

    At one of my friend’s 21st, someone during those drunken hours uttered the words, “It’s not gay, it’s homofriendly.” None of us can remember who said it or what it was in reference to, but that’s probably a good thing.

  3. marotta92 October 25, 2012 / 7:42 am

    I think I’d prefer if it was just ‘Jerk’ instead of ‘Jerkin” but aside from that A+ 10/10 shirt

  4. emancipatedfreak October 25, 2012 / 8:05 am

    Girls have already thought I was gay before; this one chick even fucking told me I was her gay best friend. fucking bitch

  5. Penn October 25, 2012 / 8:25 am

    I have about a dozen experiences exactly the same as Brent’s response to Broseph. Here’s how the story almost always goes: 1. I’m either on a deload or doing some Boring But Big so i’ve got less than 295 on the bar but i look like a bit of a tryhard because i’m wearing a belt and oly shoes.

    2. Some lurker who thinks he’s got strong legs because he can Leg Press 1000 and quarter squat 225 all day asks if he can work in. I’ll ask what he wants the bar at for his 1st set abd he’ll invariably tell me to leave it there.

    3. The guy will then nearly die from a hellish set of 10 quarter squats.

    4. Occasionally these guys will catch me during a real workout. Usually once i get 365 on the bar they will just dissapear to the other side of the gym.

    • Broseph October 25, 2012 / 11:30 pm

      That’s always nice– when the bros are too scared to lift what you’re lifting or they’re afraid they’ll be out lifted by someone that weighs significantly less than them.
      I love when they ask for a spot, and you oblige, despite not really knowing how to do that (why the fuck would I have a reason to spot someone squatting?) Then, when you’re squatting, they ask if you need a spot.
      My response is always “No, I have a spotter” and just point to the safety pins in the rack.

  6. chrise2004 October 25, 2012 / 9:12 am

    My awkward gym story for Brant that should have went on the last post but I’m to lazy so I’ll do it here.

    Last week I was going for a deadlift PR…I wanted it bad. I’m doing 5/3/1 right now. I start my warm up do my sets and now I’m ready to start my first set of 5 at 320. Then this middle aged dude comes over and starts squatting. Now the dbag setup of this gym has a deadlift area (no platform, these gym brolio owners are too cheap to build one) is right next to the squat rack. My ass is facing this guy from a 90 degree angle. So as i start my first set this guy walks behind me (space it probably 2 ft.) I just go through it and give him a look of disgust when I’m done. My next set for 3@360…the guy pulls the same shit…then continues to quarter squatting 225. Finally…I’m on my PR set 3@400 and the guy doesn’t go behind me, instead just looks at the weight I’m lifting the entire time, as soon as I pick up my hands while bent over this guy is walking behind me again. I take a breath and finally realize my perfect retaliation.

    I go inside the squat rack as he’s beginning to walk out his squat and I use the one of the post to loosen my belt. I got a very strange look from him as I slowly released the pressure of the dual prong belt.

    10 minutes later this guy is on the elliptical watching TV and literally laughing out loud, watching Tyler Perry’s House of Payne I can only assume.

    I still got the PR so I would say this was a solid day.

  7. beonick October 25, 2012 / 9:41 am

    Had an ex girlfriend think I’m gay after we broke up. Still trying to think of the most creative way to kill myself. I’ll get back to you guys when I’ve decided.

  8. October 25, 2012 / 10:32 am

    brent’s heating up the lanes with these blog posts in recent days. can he sustain this for a slamdunk of 7 posts in a row this weekend? or will we see him fall short tomorrow for a 4-in-a-row? i’m gus johnson, stay tuned to find out.

  9. nobodystopsdblob October 25, 2012 / 12:29 pm

    I have never been asked if I was gay unless you count in arguments online (Hey… faggot?) so here is a story just for the sake of sharing. When I was 12 or 13 I used to go to the public pool a lot. Like any other boy going through puberty and generally not knowing what to do with all those hormones we used to basically just horse around and dunk each other in the water (bonus points if you were cool enough to hug a girl to dunk her!). Anyways, I took it waaaaaay too serious and fought like, well like it was a fight, when somebody tried to dunk me. I should point out that my fair skin is sensitive to the sun in the same way paper is sensitive to matches and so I routinely wore shirts in the pool (alpha as fuck, I know). Moving on, probably the last time I engaged in such ruckus was when a couple of older boys started trying to dunk me and my friends. Per usual, when grabbed I flailed about like a fucking muppet and the boy just let go and asked me “hey are you a boy or a girl?” He was serious but nonchalant. He asked me my fucking gender, but totally casually. He did not know if I was a boy or a girl. He wasn’t saying, “are you a pussy”, he was asking if I had a penis or a vagina. It was implied to my “going through puberty so I am a man now” self that I could possibly be a girl. Staring at my submerged feet I mumbled that I was, in fact, a boy. Then I got out of the water and left. On the way home I kept saying to myself “Girl? Girl? You think I am a girl? I am a man!” all the time growing increasingly hysterical. I did not go back. Ever. Basically, what I am saying is don’t let your fair skinned kids rock rat tails and t-shirts at the pool unless you think it is hip to be mistaken for the lead singer from Eurythmics.

    • silentmachinery October 25, 2012 / 2:08 pm

      A Southwest stewardess once mistook me for a woman. Later on in the flight, when handing out beverages she gave me the whole can of Coke instead of the usual, shitty, ice-filled plastic cup.

      Which just goes to show that whoring out your dignity to get what you want to does restrict itself to traditional gender roles.

      • silentmachinery October 25, 2012 / 2:26 pm

        *does not restrict itself to traditional gender roles.

        BRB reading my own blog comments

      • Broseph October 25, 2012 / 11:37 pm

        Guess you didn’t read your comment clearly; I think you meant “…to get what you want is not restricted by traditional gender roles.”

  10. not gay October 25, 2012 / 1:44 pm

    I have been asked if I was asexual. Does that count?

  11. Chris October 25, 2012 / 3:08 pm

    I feel like this series of infomercial gifs sums up Brent’s life perfectly:

  12. Jack October 25, 2012 / 8:47 pm

    Only time anybody has ever asked me that question was when I was living in Seoul for a year. I think I was asked it around 6 times, including by the girl I was screwing, who didn’t ask me as much as she accused me. I think its a weird cultural thing.

    • B October 25, 2012 / 9:16 pm

      Reading these comments I felt good when I realised although I had often been called gay as an insult I don’t think I was ever seriously asked if I was gay. Then I realised my current gf has asked me several times, and still sometimes asks. I’m not sure what causes her to ask it now but I think the initial reason was my sometimes passing up sex so I would not smell when I went to the gym the next morning. That actually happened Fml

  13. karibot October 25, 2012 / 10:31 pm

    Today’s MopeWOD made me lol.

    T-shirt idea: a silhouette of a brolio stapled under the bar. Shirt reads: “I’d rather die benching alone.” I’d like to ask a stranger for a spot while wearing this t-shirt, just so he knows I’m just as uncomfortable asking as he is bored with spotting someone benching 150. Thoughts?

    The last MopeWOD was tailor made for me, since I lift at a Gold’s now. I even had my opportunity today, and I failed. Here’s my story of failure. I was front squatting for heavy triples today. The second I began to flex my hips on the last rep, this chick appeared out of nowhere and removed a 10 lb plate from my rack. There are 10 lb plates everywhere. She doesn’t even lift: she just follows her juicehead boyfriend around the gym all day. I later saw her benching a 30 lb EZ-curl fixed barbell with straps, and her juicehead boyfriend spotting her.

    I did not complete the rep, nor did I have the negative experience I should have had with a stranger. I couldn’t even bring myself to yank out my earbuds and say something shitty because then I would have had to talk to a stranger at the gym.

  14. Broseph October 25, 2012 / 11:40 pm

    You might as well capitalize on the DYEL craze.
    Make a DIEL shirt with the caption: “”Putting the DIE back into DIEL” with “Do I Even Lift?” on the back.

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