When I was 20 or 21, I had imbibed alcohol like, once, maybe not even that, I can’t remember the actual order of the episodes of drinking in my life, which I can literally count on two hands. I was happy playing StarCraft and pretending to do the Bulgarian Method for weightlifting. I may not have even been “doing” oly lifting yet, it’s possible that this particular incident happened when I was 19, while I was still too busy doing what I thought was Westside Barbell and doing dynamic effort benching at 135lbs.
I had my own apartment somehow, and some friends a grade below me (seniors in high school) for some reason wanted to hang out with me. One of these guys is now a legit tattoo artist and definitely too cool for me, we don’t talk anymore and he probably thinks I am a huge piece of shit (because I am). But back then he thought I was OK and he said, “We’ll come over sometime with some alcohol. We’ll show you how to party like you’re in college PSHSHSHSHSH.” The irony being that he was a high school senior who laid pipe into college freshman and I was still essentially a virgin (to be fair I had banged a fat chick when I was 17).
Are these stories actually believable? When I go back and read these I always wonder, “The sad part is that these are 100% legit stories, but reading them they just sound too depressing and too sad to be true, I wonder if anyone thinks I am embellishing for the sake of having a depressing story to tell.”
Look guys, I don’t know what you want me to do, I’m just telling you what’s happened to me.
Anyways I’ve always hated drinking. “College party” in this case apparently meant Keystone Light and me passing out before completing my second beer and getting dry humped by two dudes in my apartment while their girlfriends thought it was hysterical. I would wake up at 3 or 4am after everyone left feeling incredibly nauseated (FROM LESS THAN TWO BEERS) and go to the toilet to prepare to vomit. It never happened and I just went back to bed wishing my headache would go away.
I woke up the next morning and decided that drinking wasn’t really worth it ever.
* * *
When I worked at a Chinese restaurant
Oh yeah that’s real fucking funny isn’t it guys haha because I’m Asian and I worked at a
When I worked at a Chinese restaurant I thought I liked this Taiwanese girl who was 28 at the time (I was 20). I spent some time hanging out with her, her roommate, and this other dude from the restaurant. They liked to drink, I didn’t, but they kept pressuring me to do it and would pour champagne or wine or whatever the fuck they were drinking that night and I was eating their cooking and they made me feel like I was being rude by not drinking so I caved.
Long story short, this was during the time of MySpace and if you were a friend of mine at the time you would have found a picture of me wearing a floral print bikini top with the bottoms over my shorts. Was a pretty popular picture among my friends. If you could look past how much of a tool I looked like you would also be able to observe the Asian flush syndrome pretty prominently in my face.
Epilogue to that night, I would take a nap for 2 hours (less than 2 glasses of champagne), wake up wanting to puke, and ask them why the FUCK they made me drink anything.
* * *
nope writes:
dear Bront,
last weekend at meet I got out deadlifted by multiple (lighter) women.
became determined to eat moar.
going well.
loljks got effectively diagnosed with IBS today. trouble eating more than a sparrow isn’t going to go away.
last night cute girl from uni I’ve been talking to on FB for weeks, been planning on asking her out… starting asking me for advice on the guy she has a crush on (not me) (has a “beautiful beard”).
read all of shrugthug
fuck, made me feel even worse
should i kill myself
pls respons
It gets better. You get stronger. And lonelier. But you are a stronger so it doesn’t make you as sad. Does she write terrible poetry? It may help you to get over her if she does.
Andrew writes:
brent are you gay?
Do you want me to be, Andy?
Terrible writes:
Somehow I knew this morning when I got up I’d be involved in strength training erotica.
Market St. actually has some really top notch sales on meat – just bought 6 lbs. rump roast for 2.67/lb, thick/solid/tight pork chops for 1.97/lb, big packs of sirloin steaks for 2.97/lb…and the list goes on!
Haven’t been to Trader Joe’s yet, it just opened like a week ago? I’d be open to a Mopeility S&C session, especially if you want some tips on how to not be able to bench 225×5.
Hey man I’m actually all done with meeting strangers in private residences, do you want to have lunch or not? Or I can go to Gold’s Gym. You can cum over after I’m sure you’re not going to stick your throbbing dick into my tight Asian rectum.
silentmachinery writes:
Whenever I go to McDonalds to order 3 Big Macs, I usually hold my phone up to my ear and loudly say, “OK, SO WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT…,” accompanied by long pauses, just so the person at the McD drive-thru doesn’t think all three sandwiches are for me.
Chris writes:
If I go to Taco Bell I will generally order a combo plus a couple additional items. I always ask them to put the additional items in a separate bag “if it’s not too much trouble” so it looks like they’re being ordered for someone else. embarrassedbywhatstrangersmightthink.mpeg
I loled so hard that more than one person did this.
Whenever I become fixated on a certain kind of food (or drink) I will be too anxious to go to the same locations too often so I will make it a point to drive another 10-20mins to a different location offering the same kind of food in an effort to seem less pathetic. This process actually makes me even more pathetic, for those of you who don’t connect the dots. I’m talking about Pho Que Huong and Starbucks, but I’ve done it for other things before, too.
daddy fatdick writes:
Hey Brent
I have a hard time beleiving you are actually depressed
Want to hang out, go hitch hiking, bang broads and high five?
I gave it a shot at raw nationals but you seemed wrapped up in your 70sbig clique and I was pressed for time
I can do two of those things.
Sorry I have codependent friends. Going to any other meets? The Arnold next year? If I don’t qualify at the AO I’m probably not gonna go.
This story kind of sucked. Sounds like you’re running low on material.
Sincerely,
Oldman
hey brent, wanna grab a beer?
what does this do for you?
I thought about spelling my name for this post in leetspeak to throw off potential future employers who might run the mother of all background checks on me one day, but then I switched it back for fear of being judged. Then I wrote this paragraph as a sort of plea for acceptance in an attempt to prove my legitimate neurosis.
I’m decent at drinking but one time I accidentally smoked angel dust and was high for like 10 or 20 hours. Not like “I feel good” high but like randomhallucinations of fractals and looney toons being fuckshoved down the throat of my mind to the point that I couldn’t even see what was real.
So, uh, sorry about your drinking bro. But at least you didn’t accidentally do a drug so gnarly that no one gets addicted to it.
You ‘accidentally’ smoked PCP? How the fuck did you manage that? Then again, I think I once accidentally smoked H, so there we go…
People lace weed with it and don’t tell you. Happened to me, wasn’t fun.
If you want to come to Gold’s, you can get a 7-day free pass if you don’t mind showing your ID. I also don’t mind paying a drop-in fee at whatever gym you go to. Let me know when/where and I’ll show up rocking skinny calves and a mesh tank top.
Hey man haven’t read your shit in a few weeks, just wasted 2 hours catching up at work, I’m on contract, made good money boring my self to death…
Would buy a the jerk bros t shirt only if it was 1980s football shimmle style. You know the ones that stop just above the navel and are nice and loose through the body…
Probs also buy teh donkey one. There was a lady how had a donkey in her front yard, this was in suburban Houston, I named him hank. Turned out he was actually named Buford… He’s dead now.
There’s a pizza party for my group at work today. (are we fucking 9?!?! Idiots) Anyway, I can’t eat wheat/gluten. Every keeps asking if I want pizza?
No thanks.
WHAT? WHY?! IT’S PIZZA?!?!
Yeah, I can’t eat wheat so…
Well that sucks…
…
…
Kthanksbye
Brent, real question. Do you ever get lab work done and hows your stack looking lately?
I’m just straight spitballing here…can we have a story day? where brent gives us a theme and post a story, then the rest of us post a story that we have that relates to it from our own lives. Let’s spread the joy/misery.
Call it Mopeday
The fuck is this? When did one man’s misery become the catalyst for a depressing creative writing group? Are you not entertained? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsqJFIJ5lLs
Am also curious what Justin thinks of this whole shitshow. I love that there’s this weird dimension behind 70sBig; it’s like Brent represents the insecurity that alpha males frantically try to hide and we’ve all jumped on it and unwittingly proved that strength training is a just a desperate attempt to cover unhappiness.*
*I say this as a >200lb male with a beard who has sex semi-regularly and who’s actually quite happy.
As a <200lb male with a shitty beard who doesn't have sex regularly and is actually quite happy, I think Mopeday is a fantastic idea.
Brent, off-topic but I saw in another post that you thought Korean food was ok. I’ve never tried Korean food and there are a bunch of supposedly authentic Korean restaurants nearby because the town nearby apparently has a big Korean population. What should I get?
Pool fulla liquor and Brent diiiiiiiiiiiiives in it
Thought about this today, wondered how pathetic this makes me.
Its one thing to be so beta you have no chance with any woman ever but in my case lifting seems to attract people talking to me, whether its guys asking what protein I take or girls teasing me with some bullshit or another. Anyway long story short, I’ve turned down sex because I have a squat session planned for the next day.
This isn’t me bragging that I get so much sex I can turn it down, this is me admitting I’m so turned off by social situations and human contact that I find solace in my desire to use my loins to squat rather than to have my way with some semi-attractive 20something.
Plz help